Decisions

I don’t know why it is that I get my inspiration to write at 1 o’clock in the morning, but that is how I have been lately.  Lord knows I need rest, but I just can’t sleep sometimes.  So why not blog, right?  And thank God for naps!  The past few days have been rough on my body.  It is weird that with each treatment, the symptoms seem to change up on me.  It seems like with every new symptom, the doctor will give me a medicine to fix it, and then another weird symptom will pop up.  The other night I couldn’t sleep because my back was hurting me, so instead of getting up, I tried to pretend I was fine, but I spent the whole night tossing and turning, in and out of sleep.  Then when I got up, I was hurting so bad in my lower back and thighs that I thought I had pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve or slipped a disc.  It was awful.  I couldn’t do anything to get relief, so eventually I took the frozen bag of corn off my lower back and took a loritab.  And it took the edge off considerably.  I had an appointment later that day to talk to the plastic surgeon that would be doing my reconstructive surgery, and so I decided to stop by the oncologists office to ask them about my back, and they assured me that I was having those pains from the Nulasta shot they give me to boost my immune system.  They were right, because the next day it was gone, for the most part, thank God.  I also had three bloody noses that day.  Not my first bout with that.  Thankfully I was home for all three.  And this time around I have been more nauseous as well.  But all in all, I’m doing great!  For real.  I feel so blessed not to have had worse or longer lasting symptoms than the ones I have had.  This whole experience has been surreal in many ways.  There are moments that I forget that I even had breast cancer, because the Lord has filled my life with so many other blessings that take my focus off of sickness.   Stuff that overshadows cancer.  One thing is for sure, cancer isn’t receiving the spot-light in my mind or in my life.  I won’t allow that.  I can’t.  Having said that, there are still those moments when a thought will pass through my mind that sends fear right to my very core.  I recently saw an article about a woman younger than me that died of breast cancer.  She was Miss Venezuela, so it was very publicized.  Her prognosis sounded the same as mine, and she was gone in a year, and she had a two year old little girl, just like me.  I knew not to look at the article, but I did, and that was a rough night.  And tonight we watched The Help, and the mother in the movie says that she is feeling better from the cancer, and the doctors told her that people start to feel better before it is the end, but that she decided she is not going to die, and in the movie she doesn’t die, but in the book she dies.  And all of sudden, for a split second I think, well I’m doing pretty good, what if I am just like her, and just like Miss Venezuela, and what if I’m about to die.  But then I realize, I’m not just like anybody.  I am a daughter of God.  Unique.  Individually hand-crafted by God.  Holy and dearly loved. God has prepared me before I was even born for this moment.  People ask me all the time, “Aren’t you scared?”  To say that I never have moment where fear grips me would be a lie, but I know fear of anything other than God is a lie.  So anytime a thought comes across my mind that causes me to fear, I know it is of the enemy, and I rebuke it…with the Word of God.  And you know what?  It flees.  With tears in my eyes as I type this, I tell you, it flees.  I am so very thankful for that peace that can only come from God.  It passes understanding.  It is real.  More real than cancer.  Another question I get a lot is “Have you ever asked, why me?”  And I can honestly say that is one question I have never asked through this experience.  I never asked that because I know me.  What I have done, who I have been, and I put that past tense on purpose, because that is not me now.  You ever hear that parable from the Bible that says the person who had the greater debt canceled loves and appreciates more than the person who had a small debt canceled.  Well I love my God very much because I am forgiven of very much.  I am so thankful for every single blessing in my life, because I think of all the things my life would like without God, and let me tell you, it would be awful.  Something I heard in the movie tonight that I really liked  was when one of the characters said “Everyday that you wake up and you ain’t dead in the ground, you gotta make a decision…”  And that’s just it.  As soon as my feet hit the floor everyday, I have a decisions to make.  Lots of decisions.  Big ones.  Small ones.  But only one that really matters.  Am I going to be defeated, by a lie no less, or am I going to overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony?  Seems like a no-brainer, but it ain’t easy, and it didn’t come cheap.  The Words in red say “With man, this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”  I'm thankful to be on the winning team.