Curveball

I went in at 1:00 today to talk to the general surgeon, and he decided to do another physical exam and he also did a biopsy on one of my lymph nodes.  After that, he explained to me that the tumor in my breast was fairly large (4.5 cm), that it was a stage 3, and that there were several lymph nodes that were suspect.  He said that they type of tumor that I have is estrogen resistant, which means that it is a more aggressive type tumor, but that it is Her2+, which is good news because there is a medicine for that type that works really well.  So he decided to do chemotherapy before surgery, rather than the other way around, which is what I was expecting.  So after I left there, I went straight to the oncologist, and she explained all of that to me again, and also explained that we were going to attack this pretty aggressively because of the type of tumor and that there were so many of my lymph nodes suspect.  Then I did some blood work and finally got to come home.  Wednesday I go in for a pet scan, where they will scan my entire body to see where these cancer cells might show up.  I pray that they don't show up anywhere!  Then they have to do an echo cardiogram on Wednesday as well.  Then on Thursday I get my port put in, which is a permanent "port" where they administer the chemotherapy, and the port will stay in until I am finished with the treatments, which will be every three weeks for about five months.  So after the port gets put in on Thursday morning, I will go straight from there to get my first chemotherapy treatment. 

So all that to say...it's been a really hard day today.  I cried alot, which I hadn't done up to this point.  I knew that these kinds of days were coming, and I will probably have more, but I don't like them.  One thing I keep hearing over and over, from doctors even, is that your mental attitude towards this whole thing is crucial to your success and recovery.  I know that there is such a huge mind/body connection, and I know how much power there are in our words.  The Bible says we hold the power of life and death in our tongue.  I think about how many careless words I have spoken in the past, and I don't ever want to start doing that again.  On the days where my emotions lie to me, and tell me that I am weak and defeated, I am going to speak the truth of God's Word.  Bless the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all my iniquity, who heals all my diseases.  I still believe that healing is mine, that the Lord is my Healer, and that He wants me healed...mind, body, and spirit.  With God, nothing is impossible. 

One quick story, my sister told me today that she was going to shave her hair and get a wig since I was going to have to.  I of course refused to allow that, but I have to say how much that meant to me, because I know she would do it!  I love you Michele!  Thanks for putting a big smile on my face right when I needed it.